


Am I helping you to forget?

by TheAverageOne11



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Confused Zach, Getting Together, Kissing, M/M, confused Alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24563236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAverageOne11/pseuds/TheAverageOne11
Summary: Season 4 Episode 1 - Alternate take on the kiss scene
Relationships: Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 38
Kudos: 284





	Am I helping you to forget?

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Я помогаю тебе забыть?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24572497) by [Kate_sas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_sas/pseuds/Kate_sas)



> Hey guysss!  
> I'm pretty upset right now. Charlie and Alex are cute but a) I was baited b) Very little development on both c) Doesn't feel right. I guess I will have to take what i can get... That being said, my only form of grief control is this rn.

Alex knew something was wrong with Zach ever since homecoming when Bryce destroyed his future, but he really wasn't expecting it to escalate so quickly out of nowhere. Alex supposes it was easier to deal with it at the beginning, having that glimmer of hope that it will all go away soon and his future will be right on track. Alex knows how that feels more than anyone else which is why he felt even closer to Zach afterwards. But somewhere along the line, Zach must have realized that his future in football was over.

It happened out of nowhere, right on his senior year. His daily routine started to consist of drinking and sleeping, that was it. Alex felt really bad, because he clearly wasn't there for Zach when he needed him or else he wouldn't have resorted to drinking. They promised they would be the kind of friends who could tell each other everything, and Alex so desperately wanted to come back to that. But something about those words left a bitter taste in his mouth. He didn't know if it was Zach specifying that they could talk about 'anything except boners and jerking off' or something else. Alex really wanted to talk to Zach about that, he feels like it's legitimate progress on his condition, so he didn't really understand the problem. It wasn't like he was coming on to him.

However, when Zach started showing up drunk to school, failing exams and just not giving a shit about anything, Alex realized that it might be time to intervene. But his attempt at confronting him after school left him with an even more bitter taste in his mouth. Zach saying he had nothing to talk about with Alex really hurt. There was so much more to their relationship than just football and the coverup. In fact, football isn't even a part of their relationship. They're both broken, heartbroken, disappointed and have no guaranteed future - at least, not the one they may have wanted. It hurts how Zach doesn't think anything matters anymore, how he doesn't think he matters, because all of it matters to Alex - he matters to Alex.

That was a frighting thing to even think about, much less say aloud the way he did. But something about those words caught Zach's attention, and he was giving him a very strange look, one Alex has never seen before. He could see it even through the windshield of his _very beautiful_ car. So when he invited Alex to hang out, Alex smiled victoriously, glad his words had seemingly made an impact and rekindled the spark to their friendship. At first it was fun, hanging around his house and playing video games, just like they used to do in the pool house as Bryce's. For a moment it felt like things could go back to the time before Hannah, like things could be normal again, which is all Alex ever really wanted. But then Zach started drinking, and in spite of Alex's best efforts, he wouldn't stop.

Alex couldn't really keep the flask from him, as Zach was far bigger and more muscular than himself, so he had an idea. He was going to help his friend, just like he helped him when his life was at it's worst. So he took Zach and told him they should go out for some fresh air, hoping it would slow his drinking down. And it worked! Zach was drinking a lot less and Alex couldn't help but smile fondly looking at him out of the corner of his eye, making sure he doesn't pull out his flask. They didn't really talk much, besides the video games they were playing at his house. Their walk was calm and relaxing, the cool breeze blowing against their hair, taking their stress and anxiety along with it.

Suddenly, Zach told him to follow him and he ran off inside a seemingly random building. Having no other choice, Alex followed him with a sigh. In no time, they were on the roof of a building and Zach was dangerously close to the edge.

"Zach?" Alex called out nervously, his hands starting to shake at the implications of him standing near the edge.

"Come here, we're going to do a little exercise." Zach said, smiling at him. Alex sighed, at least he wasn't trying to kill himself. "We're going to walk along the edge."Alex scoffs, assuming this was some kind of joke, but Zach kept looking at him expectantly.

"You.. You can't be serious. We could die! And... and you're kinda drunk." He complained, taking a few steps towards Zach to stop him if he tries.

"Don't be silly Alex, I was fine enough to walk in a straight line and climb up those stairs. I'm fine. Besides, I won't let anything happen to you." Zach said reassuringly and Alex's breath hitched. This was unquestionably a bad idea, so why was he agreeing to do it? Zach smiled and got on the edge, Alex prepared his arms protectively as Zach catching his balance nearly gave him a heart attack. After gaining his balance, Alex followed suit, getting on the edge a lot more carefully than Zach did. Then they started walking, their arms spread like wings to help them have balance.

"You have to let go of the shit you cant control or it will kill you...You have to make yourself forget... Am I helping you to forget?" Zach asked in his deep drunk voice as he carefully walked along the edge of the rooftop with Alex, right in front of him. Alex finally realized what this is about. Zach is trying to forget about the things he's lost control of in his life and Alex must admit this is a very dramatic way of doing it. He can't help but feel scared since he doesn't want Zach to fall and he really thinks he should have done more to stop this idea. He wasn't even sure how he was swayed to agree to this, it's like just a few words gave him all the comfort he needed. But it's helping Alex as well, because for the first time in a long time, he can't think about Bryce or Monty or Hannah, because this time, it's his own life on the line.

"Yes." He answered, truthfully and very nervously. He was scared, and he didn't mean for it to slip out, but he was pretty sure it did.

"Good..." Zach replied, dragging the word out drunkenly before stepping down from the ledge. This caught Alex off guard because he wasn't expecting him to come down so quickly. He lost control of his balance and before he knew it he felt his body turn towards the right, towards his certain death and for a moment, he felt his heart stop. But then, he didn't fall.

"Oh shit shit. Shit!" Zach said, putting his strong muscular arms around him and taking him off the ledge. He was safe. That was absolutely terrifying but also, the most incredible thing he ever felt. Zach was laughing so purely, for the first time in a long time and Alex felt so good. Zach was still holding him and looked so beautiful as he was laughing, that Alex felt something about the situation shift. Alex felt so safe, in his arms like that, and the distant chatter of the streets, the beautiful night sky and even the dim lights on Zach's face, it felt like he was in a situation he was in before, and knew exactly how to act. Alex didn't know why or even when he got this idea but with a single swift motion he leaned in and pressed his lips to the other boy's. For that single instance in time, he wasn't really thinking about anything and he let go of all the shit he can't control. Zach's lips were soft and felt so right against his, like nothing he's ever had before with Jess. He felt Zach's grip tighten on his shoulders and he felt the push of Zach's lips against his own for a fraction of a second before he realized that this feeling, this interaction, was unknown for Alex. He pulled away, the kiss lasting for barely a couple of seconds. Alex felt so amazing that it took him a moment to process what actually happened. He looked at Zach's face expectantly, hoping he might all the answers written on his face, but he looked just as confused as himself, frozen in the same position, his lips seemingly wanting to reconnect.

"Umm." He said as he pulled away slightly, reasserting his hands on both of Alex's shoulders. Looking more lost than ever. _Shit._ He had made a mistake.

"Shit" Alex blurted out out loud, the embarrassment and seriousness of what he had done finally catching up to him.

"Wow...uh..." Zach continued to mumble dumbly, clearly having no idea how to react.

"Oh my god! Shit! I am so sorry." Alex felt like he ruined everything and he was so embarrassed that he wished Zach never caught him. "Let's go." He pleaded, a little too quickly as he turned around to leave. But those same arms stopped him again.

"No! No! No! Alex, no, seriously, man. Look, um, I don't... I mean, I don't um, I'm not into guys.. Girls, I..."

"I know... I know." Alex said desperately, hoping Zach would have just dropped it. He didn't mean to even do it, it just happened out of nowhere. Alex isn't into guys either. Yet, he didn't understand why he was so disappointed, as if this was something he was afraid would happen for a very long time.

The long pause that followed definitely didn't help, yet he could still feel Zach's eyes on him. Alex looked at him again nervously, ready to tell him that he has to go, but to his surprise Zach's face was blank. There was no awkwardness or regret or embarrassment. Not knowing what to do, Alex held his gaze confidently, once more hoping that Zach had the answers. Suddenly, Zach leaned back in and kissed him again, longer this time, his hands going down from Alex's shoulders to his hips. He doesn't know what came over him, but Alex couldn't help but reciprocate, placing his arms on Zach's lower back, under his coat. For a few seconds, Alex was able to hear it again, the silence that gave him peace and made him forget all about the shitshow that is his life. When they pulled apart, Alex realized that he didn't want that feeling to end - ever. But looking at the lack of confidence still written all over Zach's face, only confused him again.

"Why did we do that?" Alex asked calmly, way too calmly. Even though his voice sounded like it could break.

"I don't... I mean..." Zach stuttered nervously, finally taking his hands off of Alex for the first time since he nearly fell.

"Look I'm sorry I know you're not gay or anything. I'm not into guys either. I just - I don't understand this... Why did you kiss me again?" Alex rambled nervously, failing to avoid the taller boy's gaze.

"Maybe-" Zach started, but immediately swallowed his words, looking away for a few moments. He looked completely out of it. "I...ugh." At this point Alex knew something was up, and maybe he wasn't the only one who had certain feelings about what just happened. "I really don't like guys Alex..." Zach repeated again and Alex felt his heart drop. _What the fuck is happening to me?_ But Zach was still trying to talk, opening and closing his mouth, releasing inaudible words. "But I... I, um, I really liked...that..." He finally blurted out and Alex could have sworn he heard his voice crack.

"I did too..." He confessed slowly, looking at Zach as if he was breakable. But Zach wasn't, in fact Alex couldn't really read him. He had that blank expression on again.

"Fuck!" He whispered before he felt his hand at the back of his head, pulling him closer to the bigger boy and feeling their lips reconnect once more. Alex couldn't help but smile into the kiss, especially when he felt the push of his tongue against his lips; he parted them, deepening the kiss. Alex never felt like this before and he was positive that Zach never had either. As they parted for the third time, Zach's face still looked blank for a moment, before he smiled and avoided eye contact. But Alex wasn't blind, he saw the shade of pink of Zach's cheeks. He smiled, letting it sink in that he was the cause of that reaction. He never thought he could feel this way for a boy before, which was pretty ironic since he used to be called names quite often.

"Should we go now?" Alex asked uncertainly.

"Wow, you want to leave me already? Okay." Zach says, the serious look on his face making Alex worry for a second before he saw his lips widen into a grin.

"Asshole." He said, throwing Zach a light punch on the elbow while he snickered like a child.

"I actually - I wouldn't mind staying here a little longer...with you... you know... if you want." Zach said, looking at him desperately. If Alex didn't know any better he'd say he was being cute on purpose.

"I'd like that very much..." Zach smiled so genuinely at the confirmation and looked like the most adorable thing Alex has ever seen. He walked up to the ledge again, this time taking a seat (thank god). When Alex joined him, Zach nervously put his arm around Alex and pulled him closer. Alex felt it again - that safety from before. The safety that makes him able to sit on the edge of a five story high building and not afraid to fall.

"No more drinking?" He requests suddenly, and he feels Zach turn his head slightly to face him, clearly taken aback but not annoyed.

"No more drinking." He promises, taking out the flask and tossing it aside, smiling as he's doing it. Alex might not know what this was or how it happened, but he knew one thing - it was right.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Feel free to comment any feedback you may have! :)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Я помогаю тебе забыть?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24572497) by [Kate_sas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_sas/pseuds/Kate_sas)




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